u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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