Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
