she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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