Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
