fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
