Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
