the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my being single is dangerous.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
