you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
me + whiskey = a bad person
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
