I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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