First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
