I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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