I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
