After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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