In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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