24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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