When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
