I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
