I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Buhtt sex?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
