She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
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Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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