i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
