i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
