i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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