im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
