i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
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I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
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When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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