Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
