that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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