I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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