whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
