Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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