i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
