The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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