I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
