oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
