Your face is a jimmy john
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
