Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
