We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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