Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
FUCK WHALES
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
