she was so not down for the gang bang
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
