she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
be right there i have to get my cape
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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