could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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