Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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