She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
