You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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