If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
