can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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