just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
