I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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