so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
