One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
