Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
