Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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