Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
