I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
