i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
