You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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