I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
