I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
